Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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