I think I died a long time ago.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
