I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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