Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
