Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
