I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I need a beard to bite.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
