new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
