sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just invented taco cereal.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
