Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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