You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
