I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
