I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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