Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
