Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
