Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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