Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
