Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
