if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
