i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she peed on how many people?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
