Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
