Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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