i would punch a child for taco bell
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
