I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
