had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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