u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
