i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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