God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
