my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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