I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
