just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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