Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
