Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It was like giving head to a cactus.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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