I CAN MOONWALK!
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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