oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
