I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Drake has all the answers
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
