she takes plan B like it's going out of style
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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