I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
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