Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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