dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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