In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
