its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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