I think I won the penis lottery.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I want her autograph on my taint
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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