I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
