Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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