I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
