What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
