I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
