I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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