Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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