i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
