In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
